I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
