The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
