I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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