I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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