I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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