Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I checked into jail on foursquare
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
