dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
