I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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