I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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