Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
