My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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