my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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