I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
