keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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