some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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