please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I stole a fireplace last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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