I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
