well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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