Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
