Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
