Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize