Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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