i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
