So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
