these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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