Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
