Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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