Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
