He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She bit a glass in half.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
