You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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