Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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