what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
