I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
