If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize