i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Alive.
So much puke
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
