My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
