i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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