Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
