And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
