the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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