Nicole vs. Life
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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