get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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