i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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