I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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