Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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