Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
