Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
