Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You are a genius and a whore.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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