My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
