that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
