If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
