i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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