I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Green mimosas i think yes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
