Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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