I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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