Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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