i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
