ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize