he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
