I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Mom said you looked used
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize