I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
