Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
